When You Feel Tethered to Tired, Your Baby has Surgery, and You Long for Normal

Yesterday, Luke had a minor, outpatient surgery.

I'd like to tell you that I was all zen about it, but really my heart was all fluttery and uneasy when we headed to Austin yesterday.

Perhaps I watch too many medical dramas?

he was obviously pumped ;)

But, after arriving, getting Luke situated, and meeting all the staff who would be in the surgery room with my baby, it definitely helped calm my heart (not to mention a lot of you were praying too!). Plus, Luke was such a trooper. In fact, I think that he liked his warming outfit that he got to wear pre-surgery, flirting with all the cute nurses, and getting to read new books.

By the time he headed down to surgery, he was cozy, calm, and ready for a nap. I was so thankful that he didn't scream down the corridor or get upset when the nurse took him.

The surgery went well, and he's been doing very great since then. Of course, he was a bit groggy when he woke up, but he quickly remembered how much he liked to eat and perked up a bit after some food. We were able to go home about two hours post-surgery.

He slept like a champ last night. This momma, however, did not. I crawled into bed around 8 (we had not slept a lot the night before and gotten up early to travel), but I found it hard to find sleep.

My mind went a thousand places. Some good--like feeling so thankful for people who pray, surgeons who know what they are doing, meds to help my baby feel better, and for a God who is trustworthy and faithful. Others anxious--like worrying about fever, infection, blood, healing, and lots of "would ifs."

I eventually drifted off to a light sleep but spent some time up tending to Luke in the middle of the night. I got in a few more hours of sleep before the morning, but they were also light and filled with strange dreams.

When I woke up this morning, I was so weary. I felt the lapping and overlapping of weeks of not enough sleep, feeling tethered to being tired, and not having a normal. In the wee hours of the morning, I literally ached for more rest and longed for a day that isn't full of new and unknown potholes to maneuver around.

I sit in this place and know that it will pass. I will rest. We will have a schedule again. Luke will get all healed up and feel better. Josh and I will find a new rhythm of life post-graduation.

But, I also know that I can't just pretend that these days are easy and without bits of fear, pain, high emotions, and exhaustion.  I can't clench my fists and make it all go away.

I just can't.

Although, I bet I could bring in someone to wash my dishes ;)

But, you know what, there's something very sweet about this place. It's always here that I recognize how feeble my attempts of doing it all really are. It's here that I can come to Jesus and burrow myself into Him for rest and comfort. It's here that I come to my knees and pray for strength and wisdom.

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."